Thursday, 27 January 2011

The disability of poor recall

If I could change just one thing about myself it would be my lack of ability to remember, particularly with regard to short term memory. 

I just had a "Eureka" moment whilst getting something I needed, and when I got back to my desk only a few minutes later the idea was completely gone.  I tried retracing my thoughts, and associating with other things I had done or thought, but it is gone completely, as if it never existed.  It is like a curse.  One that has dogged my whole life, and I feel has prevented me from achieving my potential. 

When I am stressed sometimes I cannot even complete a sentence, because I have completely lost my train of thought in a few seconds, which is one of the reasons I write.   It becomes my memory.

I have devised many ways to hide this disability at work when speaking, but the complexity in carrying this off successfully is so much more complicated than just recalling the original idea, and I sometimes get myself into absurd situations, which they find incomprehensible.  I rather think it is at the core of losing the love of the three people who have meant most to me in my life.  Often they have mistaken my sometimes complete lack of memory as evidence of going back on my word, or of lying, when the truth is that I have not remembered.  Parts of my recent past are sometimes totally blank.
So take an arm, or a leg, or an eye, but can I please have my memory back?

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